Osama Bin Laden, We Hardly Knew Ye...

And apparently we never will. There were so many things I wanted to know. Did you really come up with "Death to America"? Do you know where Barack Obama was actually born, and/or are you actually the same person with a weird Tyler Durden thing going on? And finally, how does Allah determine your 72 vestile virgins? They have to be the first 72 virgins to die after you right? I mean if he can't just make them up for you can he? That seems a little far fetched. I am also making note that there is no qualifying statement saying female virgins, just virgins.

Selfishly you took these secrets to a watery grave and the world will never know about how you are an accomplished concert pianist who was fluent in Klingon.

So as loyal fear-loving Americans what are we to do?

How about we stop bickering about all this shit for starters. When the fuck did everyone become a cause-head who can't take a joke? You aren't Ghandi so stop lecturing people on how they shouldn't celebrate his death. I'm not celebrating anything, yet treating it the same way I dealt with 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, both tsunamis, and the brutal molestation I endured from my Uncle Pauly "the creep".

Next, I'm glad that both sides of the aisle like to state the facts that make it seem like their guy got it done and the other guy never really did anything. Fuck both sides of the aisle. GWB didn't do it, Obama didn't do it. Alot of people who worked their asses off to get into the high ranking positions they hold in out government got the job done. They made countless sacrifice, sure there was alot of hidden homosexuality and alot of families as ruined as Matt Damon's in The Good Shepherd, but that is how a truly loyal American roles. And don't start with my about there being nothing funny about a broken home. I came from a broken home, and for being a fat, drug addicted, statutory rapist I turned out alright.

So could we please lighten the fuck up and just enjoy this symbolic victory, or not. Just let people deal with it in their own way, and not turn it into a sermon on how much better you are than everyone else because of how they are behaving. It's history and in the textbooks now, and in that textbook won't be a chapter about how you felt about it, so go fuck yourself

2010 The Year of Suck It. 2011 The Year of Suck Me...? Just a suggestion ladies

Well it is that time of year where we decide to kick 2010 to the curb like the cheating whore she was and get the place all cleaned up for our new special lady 2011. At moments like these most people like to make a list of things they would like to change about themselves or change about their lives in the upcoming new year. I however will make a list of things I will continue to do, like a gentleman.

1. I will continue to tease you, my loyal readers by acting like I have gotten my shit together by making several really good blog posts in close succession. Then I will let you all down by doing what any good Chris Plumer does, and slack.

2. I will continue to not sleep with chicks. We all know that women destroy my creativity, it's scientific fact. That however is not why I won't be sleeping with them. It will mostly be because they find me unnattractive, fat, foul smelling, and an asshole. Basically what all women will continue to do in 2011 is not have sex with me, so i guess this really doesn't belong on the list.

3.I will continue to brighten your day with outlandish facebook status updates of the most obscene and dark nature for free. If I had any sense at all I would keep all this private and write some ridiculous screenplay or novel, but let's face it...I won't

4. I will continue to drink excessively, be obnoxious and downright mean to strangers. I will curse in front of nuns and school children. I will creep out women I just met with stories of duct tape and shovels. I don't really want to do this but years of drug abuse have left me without a filter in my brain...things just fall out.

I guess this list is really pointless because all I am resolving to do is be the same old Chris Plumer, Johnny Vodka, Emo Chris and New Chris.
Hide yo vodka, hide yo scissors, hide yo girlfriend, because all the Chris's will be all over all of them next year.

You Bring the Pumpkin Pie, I'll Bring the Small Pox Infected Blankets

I know it has been a long time going without folks, but you got yourselves a Turkey Day miracle and something to REALLY be thankful for....a Chris Plumer blog. I won't get into a long speech or anything, I just want to list a few things I am and am not thankful for throughout my life.


Things I AM thankful for:
Girls with daddy issues-Take that virginity....nuff said.

Girls with little or no standards at all when it comes to how a guy looks/how small his penis is-see above

I am thankful that duct tape is inexpensive, and is the best way to muffle a hookers screams before I murder them in my death shack.

I am thankful that I know enough people that no one else likes so we all have to hang out together and be "friends" otherwise no one would hang out with any of us.

I know it sounds incredibly racist but I am so thankful to be a white male of European descent in America, it is nice to walk into a store knowing security won't think I am trying to steal, police not pulling me over for no reason and beating me mercilessly. I like knowing that when I walk into a job interview there is a good chance management will look kindly on me for my aryan features and offer me the job. It's just nice to know that in the end I will get into heaven irregardless of my lack of faith and bad behavior simply because I am white, it is in your bible look it up...I'll wait.

Now let's move on to things I am NOT thankful for:
Ax Body Wash- WTF Ax?!?! You were supposed to make the bitches DTF!!! Instead you just make me smell like BO

I know it is completely hypocritical but I am not thankful for being a white male of European descent in America, we are taking alot of heat these days, I didn't make the country this way....I just got to reap the benefits, sorry everyone else.

I am not thankful that two black eyes later and my girlfriend still doesn't understand that dinner at 5 means the food should be on my plate at 4:59 so that when I walk in the door at 5 it is ready for my enjoyment.

Okay now, all kidding aside I am really thankful for all of you. It has been a rough ride this past week, but I am glad we were all together for it. Even though at most times I was being horribly inappropriate, and downright absurd. I hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving with those they love, and love only because god says that you have to love them.
Gobble Gobble motherfuckers, now let's go kill some indians and do this Thanksgiving right.

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From Watching Porn

Growing up without a man helping to raise me brought on alot of difficult challenges. Learning how to treat and romance the ladies. Being the resourceful young lad I was I did research the only way I could, watching porn. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but porn teaches you alot of falsitudes about women, so hopefully by writing them down and getting them out there you can save yourself some of the embarassment that I have gone through.
-Women love to be called whores and sluts when you are getting down to business with them. This isn't always necessarilly not true, but more often than not she really doesn't want to hear that. Chances are that she already feels horrible enough about herself realizing she is having sex with you she doesn't need to be degraded any more than that.
-Women are excited to do anal, and you don't have to let them know you are going to do that. Trust me here son, she doesn't. The only time I would suggest trying this is if you are into having your ass kicked by a woman and don't want to let her in on your secret fetish.
-All women when home alone will fuck any guy that knocks on their door. It is the common plotline but it doesn't happen I have knocked on alot of doors and worn alot of fake deliveryman and cable guy uniforms and I never once got laid for it, just got the cops called on me alot and restraining orders aplenty.
-Cum in the face without warning is acceptable behavior. Much like the anal thing this one often comes with a violent backlash, although to a lesser degree. Mostly it just makes her realize she never wants to sleep with you again.

None of these things are so horrible that women should never want to sleep with you again, but remember, you are reading my blog. Which means that chances are you are probably like me, at least think like me, and this is your greatest enemy because women don't want to sleep with me. I have to trick them into it and they hate themselves afterwards and probably cry remembering it as the worst moment of their lives. It is hard enough getting them to sleep with me again after one time of mediocre sex without the above written faux pas making me seem even less attractive than they already find me. So happy hunting fellow douchebags

Great Ideas That Get Me Nowhere

I am 26 years old and have very little to show for it except for a wide variety of small penis and my father hates me jokes. Although they are both a great skill set to have I feel like they would look much better as subcategories on my resume than the only thing on there. In the mean time I have compiled a short list of other useless thoughts and skills that keep me down here writing for both your amusement and attention, because as I have often repeated, I am an attention whore.
-I often sit and try to think of reasons rich hot chicks won't sleep with me. Believe it or not I often find myself at this crossroads and the answer is simple and wordless. I just look in a mirror.
-I'm really good at making people feel like an asshole by making even harsher and meaner jokes about myself than they ever could. It is a great defense mechanism and allows my greatest personality trait to shine through, just not caring what I say.
-I'm making alot of really good jokes about stalking and duct tape.
-I AM (NOT) A COWARD!!!!!!!
-I keep shoes for a really long time. Ok this one sounds like it doesn't make sense but shoes for big fat feet are expensive as fuck. By not buying shoes unless there is a presidential election that year I increase my "I'm gonna get fucked up" fund, thereby increasing my inability to have a stable job or relationship and time available to do said skills above.
-I am really good at getting hurt in shopping carts
-I spend too much time doing shit like this
I know this blog won't get me anywhere and yet I dedicate alot of my time to writing this and other stuff that you may see on here someday or I may throw out. For some reason it seems like it is just more fun to sit around and wish an elderly black jazz man would adopt me and give me his old record collection that auction houses have estimated the value an $2.2 million. But until that happens you will have to settle for impromptu blogs written while I am still drunk from last night.

Why Isn't the Type of Woman Who is Still at the Bar for Last Call More Receptive to my Sexual Advances?

"We have been sitting across from each other for several hours now and no one has really come in to hang out with either of us. I know the three times I came over to buy you a drink you said your date was in the bathroom. We both know this is a lie, I'm a creep I have been watching you. So if you're alone and I am alone, why can't we leave alone together, let me disappoint you at my place for awhile and kick your alone ass out after that? Absolutely no reason whatsoever that we can't make that happen.
First off it is now fast approaching 4am and any prospect of meeting someone attractive and interesting has long sense passed, just alot of stumbling awkward looking assholes, and as we all know I am king of the awkward male. Granted you are no doubt much more attractive than I am, but why should I always be the one slumming, why can't you slum every once in awhile? You might be very impressed. I might have a huge penis, or lots of money, or wake up the next day take you out for breakfast, have a deep sensitive conversation with you. None of that is in the realm of possibility, but you don't know any of that yet. Here you are pre-judging me when your pathetic ass is sitting at the bar for last call.
Ok, sure so is my pathetic ass but shit is different. You have tits and a vagina and although neither one must be that impressive because you are sitting at a bar with me creepily staring at you while the bartender puts up stools, you could have easily used them to lure some drunk guy out of the bar at least an hour ago.
Also this is the time when I start to think you are actually a really ingrateful stuck up bitch, because instead of putting roofies in your drink and dragging you into my basement (They say in Plumer's basement, no one can hear you scream) I am here trying to romance you the old-fashioned way by letting you get yourself sloppy drunk and then swooping in for the scraps as soon as your head hits the bar. I am exactly the kind of gentelman you want coming onto you at this time of night, and here you are acting like you are better than me. You know what bitch, FUCK YOU. I'm gonna roofie your ass next time."
"Hey Plumer, you're talking to the coatrack again"

The Phrase "Cougar" Must DIE!

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I Know I Won't Be Getting Laid Anytime Soon So Here We Go...

In order to maintain the lavish lifestyle I have created for myself I've taken a third job.

It has one great perk, people watching.

If you are new to these parts, one thing the Greater Buffalo-Niagara Region is known for is Chris Plumer's contempt for humanity, as at least 76-84% of the population consists of douchebags and whores who won't sleep with me. So finding a job that allows me to get money for watching/listening to idiots is my dream come true.

During a quick eavesdrop session I noticed some very attractive girls talking. The one was telling the other about how much of an asshole her boyfriend is and how she wasn't sure what she should do about him.

Let me just list a couple keywords from this dilemna she was facing.
Drinks too much
Doesn't work
Hits her
Cheats on her

You fucking serious? Clearly she needs to hold on to that one, its not like scumbags aren't a dime a dozen around here.

The best part about this is you see it pretty much everywhere you turn, some hot chick and a douche. To all of the women who find themselves in this situation: Clearly God bestowed upon you great beauty, but in his own vanity of admiring his quality work he forgot to give you the brain to navigate that fine ass to happiness. Maybe you should stay away from the guy who wants you to shoot his ass with 'roids before he rolls to the gym. Sure he may have a nice car, but its probably a little cramped and musty when you stay over at his "apartment" in his mom's basement. Or maybe you should come to the conclusion that ducking is not the most effective way of not having your boyfriend hit you.

I know what some of you may be thinking, this chubby bastard is trying to jockey himself a spot with the hot chicks with low self esteem.

WRONG.

Stay away from me, I'm a drunk, and any guy that jokes about daterape this much shouldn't be trusted.

It just seems impossible that someone could be as stupid as this broad was. There are kids who come in last place at the Special Olympics who could have solved this riddle with greater ease.

It's Hard To Be the Prettiest Person You Know

Sadly this is a pain I have never known in my life.

I am fat, have a goofy face, complete with scars, fucked up teeth and a small penis. Women faint at the sight of me, children cry when they are near me, and if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of animals being slaughtered. This is acceptable to me. Eventually you learn to live with the concept of being ugly.

Nothing is more annoying than being thought of as a creepy guy. Now am I saying I am not creepy?
Definitely not, i keep spare roofies in the back part of my wallet. This is not the point.

The point, is that I cannot go to a bar and talk to a woman who is granted vastly out of my league without her putting her hand over her drink.

Would I drug her? Obviously not if she is being that cautious because I know immediately who she would suspect, and suggest to the police. My probation officer says I am on my last strike.

This type of behavior has led to a heavy mysoginist streak. Mainly for the pretty girl who thinks that every guy wants her and every girl wants to be her.

Now I spent a good part of the first part painting myself as the creepy guy, mainly so that the retarded pretty girls I am talking about get bored and stop reading thinking "I KNEW he tried to drug my drink", but alas I did not.

Now that the pretty people are gone let me paint you, the awkward and unattractive know what really goes on when I see a girl who fancies herself a 10.

You ARE NOT, NOR EVER WILL BE A 10!
You live in the Greater Buffalo region. If you were a 10 you would be far away from here, probably doing something ultimately wasteful, but probably quite fun, with your life. At the very most you could probably have a semi-successful porn career. You should actually think about moving in that direction, you already hate yourself enough to put down everyone around you, why not go the extra mile and really stick it to your parents?

Not all pretty females are like this, but we can all off the top of our heads name at least 4 people like this.

Now before I completely stamp out the possibility of me ever having sex with anyone above a 2 on my scale let me lay off the ladies for a minute.

Guys you aren't that special either. Douchebaggery has run rampant in these parts as of late and let me give you my first piece of evidence. Affliction t-shirts. Enough said. It used to be fairly hard to pick out the douchebag at the bar. There were always the earring guys, and male tramp-stamp sporters, yet you never could really find out there level of douchieness until you spoke to them. Apparently that bothered the real douchebags, they had to get a uniform.

I am not saying everyone in an Affliction shirt is a douchebag, however it is a distinct possibility, hell 98.237% (Research provided by Douchehaters of America) that if you are in Affliction-wear, and not obligated by your MMA contract to sport such gear you ARE in fact the douchiest of the douchebags. Lower level douches bask in your ability to pound Jaegerbombs and sleep with nearly passed out girls.

So to those of you of BOTH sexes, who feel you are the Lord and Lady of Buffalo, get over yourselves, or in the case of the ladies, get under me.

No whores or douchebags feelings were hurt in the writing of this blog, as they either no longer have feelings or are too stupid to understand they are the target here.