Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I Know I Won't Be Getting Laid Anytime Soon So Here We Go...
In order to maintain the lavish lifestyle I have created for myself I've taken a third job.
It has one great perk, people watching.
If you are new to these parts, one thing the Greater Buffalo-Niagara Region is known for is Chris Plumer's contempt for humanity, as at least 76-84% of the population consists of douchebags and whores who won't sleep with me. So finding a job that allows me to get money for watching/listening to idiots is my dream come true.
During a quick eavesdrop session I noticed some very attractive girls talking. The one was telling the other about how much of an asshole her boyfriend is and how she wasn't sure what she should do about him.
Let me just list a couple keywords from this dilemna she was facing.
Drinks too much
Doesn't work
Hits her
Cheats on her
You fucking serious? Clearly she needs to hold on to that one, its not like scumbags aren't a dime a dozen around here.
The best part about this is you see it pretty much everywhere you turn, some hot chick and a douche. To all of the women who find themselves in this situation: Clearly God bestowed upon you great beauty, but in his own vanity of admiring his quality work he forgot to give you the brain to navigate that fine ass to happiness. Maybe you should stay away from the guy who wants you to shoot his ass with 'roids before he rolls to the gym. Sure he may have a nice car, but its probably a little cramped and musty when you stay over at his "apartment" in his mom's basement. Or maybe you should come to the conclusion that ducking is not the most effective way of not having your boyfriend hit you.
I know what some of you may be thinking, this chubby bastard is trying to jockey himself a spot with the hot chicks with low self esteem.
WRONG.
Stay away from me, I'm a drunk, and any guy that jokes about daterape this much shouldn't be trusted.
It just seems impossible that someone could be as stupid as this broad was. There are kids who come in last place at the Special Olympics who could have solved this riddle with greater ease.
It has one great perk, people watching.
If you are new to these parts, one thing the Greater Buffalo-Niagara Region is known for is Chris Plumer's contempt for humanity, as at least 76-84% of the population consists of douchebags and whores who won't sleep with me. So finding a job that allows me to get money for watching/listening to idiots is my dream come true.
During a quick eavesdrop session I noticed some very attractive girls talking. The one was telling the other about how much of an asshole her boyfriend is and how she wasn't sure what she should do about him.
Let me just list a couple keywords from this dilemna she was facing.
Drinks too much
Doesn't work
Hits her
Cheats on her
You fucking serious? Clearly she needs to hold on to that one, its not like scumbags aren't a dime a dozen around here.
The best part about this is you see it pretty much everywhere you turn, some hot chick and a douche. To all of the women who find themselves in this situation: Clearly God bestowed upon you great beauty, but in his own vanity of admiring his quality work he forgot to give you the brain to navigate that fine ass to happiness. Maybe you should stay away from the guy who wants you to shoot his ass with 'roids before he rolls to the gym. Sure he may have a nice car, but its probably a little cramped and musty when you stay over at his "apartment" in his mom's basement. Or maybe you should come to the conclusion that ducking is not the most effective way of not having your boyfriend hit you.
I know what some of you may be thinking, this chubby bastard is trying to jockey himself a spot with the hot chicks with low self esteem.
WRONG.
Stay away from me, I'm a drunk, and any guy that jokes about daterape this much shouldn't be trusted.
It just seems impossible that someone could be as stupid as this broad was. There are kids who come in last place at the Special Olympics who could have solved this riddle with greater ease.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
It's Hard To Be the Prettiest Person You Know
Sadly this is a pain I have never known in my life.
I am fat, have a goofy face, complete with scars, fucked up teeth and a small penis. Women faint at the sight of me, children cry when they are near me, and if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of animals being slaughtered. This is acceptable to me. Eventually you learn to live with the concept of being ugly.
Nothing is more annoying than being thought of as a creepy guy. Now am I saying I am not creepy?
Definitely not, i keep spare roofies in the back part of my wallet. This is not the point.
The point, is that I cannot go to a bar and talk to a woman who is granted vastly out of my league without her putting her hand over her drink.
Would I drug her? Obviously not if she is being that cautious because I know immediately who she would suspect, and suggest to the police. My probation officer says I am on my last strike.
This type of behavior has led to a heavy mysoginist streak. Mainly for the pretty girl who thinks that every guy wants her and every girl wants to be her.
Now I spent a good part of the first part painting myself as the creepy guy, mainly so that the retarded pretty girls I am talking about get bored and stop reading thinking "I KNEW he tried to drug my drink", but alas I did not.
Now that the pretty people are gone let me paint you, the awkward and unattractive know what really goes on when I see a girl who fancies herself a 10.
You ARE NOT, NOR EVER WILL BE A 10!
You live in the Greater Buffalo region. If you were a 10 you would be far away from here, probably doing something ultimately wasteful, but probably quite fun, with your life. At the very most you could probably have a semi-successful porn career. You should actually think about moving in that direction, you already hate yourself enough to put down everyone around you, why not go the extra mile and really stick it to your parents?
Not all pretty females are like this, but we can all off the top of our heads name at least 4 people like this.
Now before I completely stamp out the possibility of me ever having sex with anyone above a 2 on my scale let me lay off the ladies for a minute.
Guys you aren't that special either. Douchebaggery has run rampant in these parts as of late and let me give you my first piece of evidence. Affliction t-shirts. Enough said. It used to be fairly hard to pick out the douchebag at the bar. There were always the earring guys, and male tramp-stamp sporters, yet you never could really find out there level of douchieness until you spoke to them. Apparently that bothered the real douchebags, they had to get a uniform.
I am not saying everyone in an Affliction shirt is a douchebag, however it is a distinct possibility, hell 98.237% (Research provided by Douchehaters of America) that if you are in Affliction-wear, and not obligated by your MMA contract to sport such gear you ARE in fact the douchiest of the douchebags. Lower level douches bask in your ability to pound Jaegerbombs and sleep with nearly passed out girls.
So to those of you of BOTH sexes, who feel you are the Lord and Lady of Buffalo, get over yourselves, or in the case of the ladies, get under me.
No whores or douchebags feelings were hurt in the writing of this blog, as they either no longer have feelings or are too stupid to understand they are the target here.
I am fat, have a goofy face, complete with scars, fucked up teeth and a small penis. Women faint at the sight of me, children cry when they are near me, and if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of animals being slaughtered. This is acceptable to me. Eventually you learn to live with the concept of being ugly.
Nothing is more annoying than being thought of as a creepy guy. Now am I saying I am not creepy?
Definitely not, i keep spare roofies in the back part of my wallet. This is not the point.
The point, is that I cannot go to a bar and talk to a woman who is granted vastly out of my league without her putting her hand over her drink.
Would I drug her? Obviously not if she is being that cautious because I know immediately who she would suspect, and suggest to the police. My probation officer says I am on my last strike.
This type of behavior has led to a heavy mysoginist streak. Mainly for the pretty girl who thinks that every guy wants her and every girl wants to be her.
Now I spent a good part of the first part painting myself as the creepy guy, mainly so that the retarded pretty girls I am talking about get bored and stop reading thinking "I KNEW he tried to drug my drink", but alas I did not.
Now that the pretty people are gone let me paint you, the awkward and unattractive know what really goes on when I see a girl who fancies herself a 10.
You ARE NOT, NOR EVER WILL BE A 10!
You live in the Greater Buffalo region. If you were a 10 you would be far away from here, probably doing something ultimately wasteful, but probably quite fun, with your life. At the very most you could probably have a semi-successful porn career. You should actually think about moving in that direction, you already hate yourself enough to put down everyone around you, why not go the extra mile and really stick it to your parents?
Not all pretty females are like this, but we can all off the top of our heads name at least 4 people like this.
Now before I completely stamp out the possibility of me ever having sex with anyone above a 2 on my scale let me lay off the ladies for a minute.
Guys you aren't that special either. Douchebaggery has run rampant in these parts as of late and let me give you my first piece of evidence. Affliction t-shirts. Enough said. It used to be fairly hard to pick out the douchebag at the bar. There were always the earring guys, and male tramp-stamp sporters, yet you never could really find out there level of douchieness until you spoke to them. Apparently that bothered the real douchebags, they had to get a uniform.
I am not saying everyone in an Affliction shirt is a douchebag, however it is a distinct possibility, hell 98.237% (Research provided by Douchehaters of America) that if you are in Affliction-wear, and not obligated by your MMA contract to sport such gear you ARE in fact the douchiest of the douchebags. Lower level douches bask in your ability to pound Jaegerbombs and sleep with nearly passed out girls.
So to those of you of BOTH sexes, who feel you are the Lord and Lady of Buffalo, get over yourselves, or in the case of the ladies, get under me.
No whores or douchebags feelings were hurt in the writing of this blog, as they either no longer have feelings or are too stupid to understand they are the target here.
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