Everything I Know About Women I Learned From Watching Porn

Growing up without a man helping to raise me brought on alot of difficult challenges. Learning how to treat and romance the ladies. Being the resourceful young lad I was I did research the only way I could, watching porn. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but porn teaches you alot of falsitudes about women, so hopefully by writing them down and getting them out there you can save yourself some of the embarassment that I have gone through.
-Women love to be called whores and sluts when you are getting down to business with them. This isn't always necessarilly not true, but more often than not she really doesn't want to hear that. Chances are that she already feels horrible enough about herself realizing she is having sex with you she doesn't need to be degraded any more than that.
-Women are excited to do anal, and you don't have to let them know you are going to do that. Trust me here son, she doesn't. The only time I would suggest trying this is if you are into having your ass kicked by a woman and don't want to let her in on your secret fetish.
-All women when home alone will fuck any guy that knocks on their door. It is the common plotline but it doesn't happen I have knocked on alot of doors and worn alot of fake deliveryman and cable guy uniforms and I never once got laid for it, just got the cops called on me alot and restraining orders aplenty.
-Cum in the face without warning is acceptable behavior. Much like the anal thing this one often comes with a violent backlash, although to a lesser degree. Mostly it just makes her realize she never wants to sleep with you again.

None of these things are so horrible that women should never want to sleep with you again, but remember, you are reading my blog. Which means that chances are you are probably like me, at least think like me, and this is your greatest enemy because women don't want to sleep with me. I have to trick them into it and they hate themselves afterwards and probably cry remembering it as the worst moment of their lives. It is hard enough getting them to sleep with me again after one time of mediocre sex without the above written faux pas making me seem even less attractive than they already find me. So happy hunting fellow douchebags

Great Ideas That Get Me Nowhere

I am 26 years old and have very little to show for it except for a wide variety of small penis and my father hates me jokes. Although they are both a great skill set to have I feel like they would look much better as subcategories on my resume than the only thing on there. In the mean time I have compiled a short list of other useless thoughts and skills that keep me down here writing for both your amusement and attention, because as I have often repeated, I am an attention whore.
-I often sit and try to think of reasons rich hot chicks won't sleep with me. Believe it or not I often find myself at this crossroads and the answer is simple and wordless. I just look in a mirror.
-I'm really good at making people feel like an asshole by making even harsher and meaner jokes about myself than they ever could. It is a great defense mechanism and allows my greatest personality trait to shine through, just not caring what I say.
-I'm making alot of really good jokes about stalking and duct tape.
-I AM (NOT) A COWARD!!!!!!!
-I keep shoes for a really long time. Ok this one sounds like it doesn't make sense but shoes for big fat feet are expensive as fuck. By not buying shoes unless there is a presidential election that year I increase my "I'm gonna get fucked up" fund, thereby increasing my inability to have a stable job or relationship and time available to do said skills above.
-I am really good at getting hurt in shopping carts
-I spend too much time doing shit like this
I know this blog won't get me anywhere and yet I dedicate alot of my time to writing this and other stuff that you may see on here someday or I may throw out. For some reason it seems like it is just more fun to sit around and wish an elderly black jazz man would adopt me and give me his old record collection that auction houses have estimated the value an $2.2 million. But until that happens you will have to settle for impromptu blogs written while I am still drunk from last night.

Why Isn't the Type of Woman Who is Still at the Bar for Last Call More Receptive to my Sexual Advances?

"We have been sitting across from each other for several hours now and no one has really come in to hang out with either of us. I know the three times I came over to buy you a drink you said your date was in the bathroom. We both know this is a lie, I'm a creep I have been watching you. So if you're alone and I am alone, why can't we leave alone together, let me disappoint you at my place for awhile and kick your alone ass out after that? Absolutely no reason whatsoever that we can't make that happen.
First off it is now fast approaching 4am and any prospect of meeting someone attractive and interesting has long sense passed, just alot of stumbling awkward looking assholes, and as we all know I am king of the awkward male. Granted you are no doubt much more attractive than I am, but why should I always be the one slumming, why can't you slum every once in awhile? You might be very impressed. I might have a huge penis, or lots of money, or wake up the next day take you out for breakfast, have a deep sensitive conversation with you. None of that is in the realm of possibility, but you don't know any of that yet. Here you are pre-judging me when your pathetic ass is sitting at the bar for last call.
Ok, sure so is my pathetic ass but shit is different. You have tits and a vagina and although neither one must be that impressive because you are sitting at a bar with me creepily staring at you while the bartender puts up stools, you could have easily used them to lure some drunk guy out of the bar at least an hour ago.
Also this is the time when I start to think you are actually a really ingrateful stuck up bitch, because instead of putting roofies in your drink and dragging you into my basement (They say in Plumer's basement, no one can hear you scream) I am here trying to romance you the old-fashioned way by letting you get yourself sloppy drunk and then swooping in for the scraps as soon as your head hits the bar. I am exactly the kind of gentelman you want coming onto you at this time of night, and here you are acting like you are better than me. You know what bitch, FUCK YOU. I'm gonna roofie your ass next time."
"Hey Plumer, you're talking to the coatrack again"